I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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