dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
