I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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