im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
