i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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