Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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