you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
