U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
