I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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