Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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