life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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