Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
