I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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