mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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