Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize