filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize