I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
