nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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