i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
