If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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