I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
