my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
time to smoke my breakfast
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
