you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We are all done wearing pants today
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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