You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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