hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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