I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
