Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
