I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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