It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
