i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
