I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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