I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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