Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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