We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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