No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
