we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize