ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
