Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
