I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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