Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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