how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
