The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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