Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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