my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
