Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
