chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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