dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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