Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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