Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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