I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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