That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize