I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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