Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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