I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
