ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
