my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
