I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
