We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
