he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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