She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
