Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm passing your future prison.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His hands were made for my vagina.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
