i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We got so high we made milksteak
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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